What does family mean to someone? Love, comfort, home, a trustable bond, good memories, meetings, fun, laughter and so on.
I once thought so too. But now I’m old enough to see, that I don’t have that. All I have is tears, crying in the dark, loneliness, bad and sad memories and the feeling of a big hole in my heart.
Everybody tells me that I should stick to me family and stay with them and all. But how can I? All I always had was a lot of tears. A lot of crying in the dark. Cutting myself as a way to express me pain. Nobody in me family ever understood me. Me grandma did. But when she died…everything went into pieces.
I knew that I was different. From the very beginning. I found letters from the kindergarten. Adressed to me with a different family name than I was used to. When I asked me mom, she said it was a mistake from the cityhall.
I was able to read when I was 4 years old. Bcs my mother didn’t had time for me. So I had to teach myself to read. And from then on, I hid myself in the different worlds of literature. I was sailing with Captain Ahab, I walked the London streets with Mr Hyde, I traveld to Mount Dun with Frodo, I cried with Julia over her dead Romeo, I fell in love with Rober the Bruce…..But my parents always tried to take that away from me. They didn’t care much about me in my childhood. Me younger sisters were more important always. Me youngest sister almost died. So that made her special. The other one was always the favorite of my parents. The first kid of both of them. I was just the result of a liason with someone my mother calls a mistake now. So I’m the result of a mistake. Although me mom always tries to tell me that it’s not like that. But when you see how she talks to me and how she talks to me sisters….you can tell that she’s lying.
Yesterday was me sisters wedding. It was late and they were dancing. And because of me foot I wont be able to dance ever again. I had such a lot of pain in me foot. It was hell! Then they danced. I tried to keep the tears back. But I wasn’t able to. So I was told, that I was a whining wiener. That I should be stronger. And that I’m not allowed to ruin the wedding. That I should leave the room. I did. I left the room. I went to the church on the other side of the street. It was cold. I was only in that silly dress I got for the wedding. I loved that dress. But now…anyway. I was freezing. But nobody was even looking for me. So I called my ex-parents-in-law. And they came. They picked me up. Even though they’re not my parents-in-law anymore. But they care more about me than me family! So I went home after I broke up with me family! Cried myself to sleep and today I wrote a letter to me parents. Telling them all the things I wanted to tell them my whole life. And I will send this letter! I know it wont change a thing, but at least I tried!
