Merry Christmas
I’m offline for christmas and new year. I’ll be in germany with me stepfamily. Ok, it’s the family of me ex who adopted me so to say. They promised me a nice christmas after all these years of tears, guilt, anger and fear with me real family!
So I wanna say merry christmas to me readers with a wee recording. It’s the recording of a song on christmas at church in 2003. I was the leadsinger.
Enjoy:
And now: Have a merry christmas! All of you!
Breaking up with me family!
What does family mean to someone? Love, comfort, home, a trustable bond, good memories, meetings, fun, laughter and so on.
I once thought so too. But now I’m old enough to see, that I don’t have that. All I have is tears, crying in the dark, loneliness, bad and sad memories and the feeling of a big hole in my heart.
Everybody tells me that I should stick to me family and stay with them and all. But how can I? All I always had was a lot of tears. A lot of crying in the dark. Cutting myself as a way to express me pain. Nobody in me family ever understood me. Me grandma did. But when she died…everything went into pieces.
I knew that I was different. From the very beginning. I found letters from the kindergarten. Adressed to me with a different family name than I was used to. When I asked me mom, she said it was a mistake from the cityhall.
I was able to read when I was 4 years old. Bcs my mother didn’t had time for me. So I had to teach myself to read. And from then on, I hid myself in the different worlds of literature. I was sailing with Captain Ahab, I walked the London streets with Mr Hyde, I traveld to Mount Dun with Frodo, I cried with Julia over her dead Romeo, I fell in love with Rober the Bruce…..But my parents always tried to take that away from me. They didn’t care much about me in my childhood. Me younger sisters were more important always. Me youngest sister almost died. So that made her special. The other one was always the favorite of my parents. The first kid of both of them. I was just the result of a liason with someone my mother calls a mistake now. So I’m the result of a mistake. Although me mom always tries to tell me that it’s not like that. But when you see how she talks to me and how she talks to me sisters….you can tell that she’s lying.
Yesterday was me sisters wedding. It was late and they were dancing. And because of me foot I wont be able to dance ever again. I had such a lot of pain in me foot. It was hell! Then they danced. I tried to keep the tears back. But I wasn’t able to. So I was told, that I was a whining wiener. That I should be stronger. And that I’m not allowed to ruin the wedding. That I should leave the room. I did. I left the room. I went to the church on the other side of the street. It was cold. I was only in that silly dress I got for the wedding. I loved that dress. But now…anyway. I was freezing. But nobody was even looking for me. So I called my ex-parents-in-law. And they came. They picked me up. Even though they’re not my parents-in-law anymore. But they care more about me than me family! So I went home after I broke up with me family! Cried myself to sleep and today I wrote a letter to me parents. Telling them all the things I wanted to tell them my whole life. And I will send this letter! I know it wont change a thing, but at least I tried!
Wasted Time
I just spent 90 minutes sitting in a half empty room, listening to the lady of the jobcenter, telling us our duties and their rights. As if I wouldn’t know all that stuff already. Because when ye’re a bit smart enough, ye use google and ye know the stuff within 2 minutes. But no…I had to sit there, die almost of boredom, while ya roohy was online, waiting for me. I hate to miss him! Because he’s not that often online. He’s saving money for my ticket. But anyway.
I just wasted 90 minutes of my precious time! Oh how I hate it!
Beautiful Morning
Not with the weather. It’s cold and rainy and grey and eek…In some parts of the mountains it already started to snow! In september!
No, the morning was beautiful because when I entered MSN just to check mails and stuff, ya roohy was there….normally we meet on facebook. But this…just made me day. I’m smiling like a lunatic. Well I guess I AM a lunatic. Around ya roohy at least. But I can’t help myself.
Oh yes…
It seems I’m becoming religious again. And all because of someone I call “ya roohy”. This person means more and more to me. Donna know why. Maybe soulmates..maybe. Donna know.
Well this person is a muslim. Like lots of me friends apparently. So we’re discussing a lot about religions. This person knows that I’m a christian. So we got good debates. And since I talk to this person, I think about religion in a different way than before.
Me mum should be happy about it. Because she always wanted me to believe. Now I do. But I donna ken what she thinks about the reason why….Well..one day I gotta tell her. I’ve passed the point of no return, because I chose it! And I would choose it over and over again!
All my fault…
Me ex-boyfriend (long long ago) is blaming me for everything that went wrong in his life. Great! But here’s the fact: he quit his job, without telling me that! But it’s all me fault now…If someone understands that, pls inform me! Because I don’t get it! Maybe I can’t understand it…bcs I’m a woman. I can’t understand how men think.
Or maybe it’s bcs I’m of the most unlogical persons ever on this planet (believe me, I’m very unlogical).
Well…Let’s see what he’ll tell me the next time. Maybe it’s also me fault that the world’s in a financial crisis. Or they’re building nuclear weapons because of me. Or it’s me fault that mankind is destroying earth! Or it’s me fault that God made women? Maybe it’s even me fault that the USA selected George W. Bush for president.
We’ll see. I’m sure he’ll be as nice as usual in his next mail……I just love that! I’m the reason of everyones mistakes. Wait a minute….that can only mean, that I’m God! Aint’ I?
Btw: He wants me to support him with money. Bcs he quit his job (reminder: he didn’t tell me that til he did it). Isn’t he nice? A real prince charming…isn’t he?
Family – Source of joy?
To me last blog, there was a comment about telling me to honour me family, bcs they’re me source of joy! Ha ha! Because if we got peace with our family, we’ll have peace with our neighbours and then peace all over the world. But…he doesn’t know my family! Me mum for example. She’s still blaming me for being the result of her biggest mistake. She’s hating me! So why should I honour her then? She loves me sisters much much more than me. And she’s not capable to hide it. She loves to yell at me at this family parties. Because everything is my fault! If something goes wrong: it was me. If something goes well: it wasn’t me. That’s normal. This year, I spent my birthday in hospital because of scarlet fever. Did me mum come by? Nope! Did she call? Nope!
I had this accident. I told me dad. He was scared about me. Did me mum ever call me and ask me about me health? Nope! Did she care about me? Nope! So, tell me…Is this me source of joy? I don’t think so!
Me sisters. I’ve got two. One is the same person as me mum is. This sister is blaming me for everything as well. We were supposed to run a camp together. All camp leader went to the place for one weekend. After that, me youngest sister told me in a shock, that the other sister I went to this place with, was ashamed the whole weekend because of me. Because they took me right after work! And after work I’m bloody tired (try to work 10 hours with more than 12 kids, the youngest kid is about 16 months and try not to be tired)! She didn’t understand. As usual. So she was ashamed because I fell asleep at 10 pm.
Me youngest sister. Working in the same job I do. She’s much more than me dad. That’s why she’s never let me go. She’s the one who’s calling me, who’s asking. Like me dad! But me mum forbid her to call me, or visit me. Bcs if she’s visiting me, she’s not loyal to me mum! What a bloke me mum is!
I’m just going to this party bcs of my dad! He’s not even my biological dad! He adopted me when I was six. But he was always the only one who believed in me. The only one who ever showed me love! I’ll go to this party. Although…I already know how it will be. I’ll have to go by train (the car is still a wreck and not replaced yet), so it means I have to leave early because my last train is at 8 pm. Me sister and me mum will blame me for that! They will ruin the whole evening for me. As usual.
Oh, btw Daniel. I moved out at my parent’s house, when I’ve finished the apprenticeship. Me mum kicked me out. Because she doesn’t want to see me anymore around her favorite kids! So! Are ye still thinking my family is me source of joy?
Vacation and Family Parties
First day off. Without being sick. It’s feeling weird to me. Not to have to stay in bed. I didn’t sleep long this morning. Habits never die. I went up, preparing myself for work. Means: showering, getting dressed, drinking coffee, preparing my bag. Suddenly I realised: Hey, you got off! No work today. I sat down on my couch. Trying to relax. Wasn’t that easy. Then I took a look in my calendar. Thanks god I got an appointment with the doctor today. What would I do without any appointments? Just sitting in front of my computer all day long? It’s still a bit too wet and cold for going swimming. But the weather’ll change, according to the weatherfrogs. I hope they’re right this time. Because otherwise it would get really boring to me. Sitting around, nothing to do. No kids around me. No kids bothering me with dirty diapers.
Well I thought about cleaning up my whole house. Getting rid of things I don’t use anymore. But that’s not fun to do alone. And all my friends are on vacation somewhere or they’re still at work. I know that I like to plan ahead. Because I hate surprises. But what now? Nothing to plan for. Well til the weekend. My dad is throwing a big birthday party (actually it’s my mum who’s throwing it for my dad). He’s celebrating his 48th birthday and his health (he had cancer and is healthy now, according to the docs). But I don’t like family parties. I really hate them. That’s why I never went to any family weddings or birthday parties. Reason why? My family and all my siblings love to play this silly games. Like singing with table tennis balls in their mouths. Or catching an apple out of the water only with their mouths. Or the worst of all: sitting or standing in front of everyone and someone else is talking “funny” and silly things about you. I really hate it. And saturday wont be different. My sisters already planned a theme. Superdad! Wow. I have to wear a silly superman T-shirt! Great Scott! I don’t like that stuff. They want me to sing for my dad. But I don’t feel comfortable…I’ll sing for him in private. And I’m recording some of his favorite songs as a present (well this was the plan…til I had to go to hospital). I hope Mike will still agree to this plan….(if not…I’ll persuade him, as I always do).
Well…the appointment is coming closer now….Thank god! I’ll be in town this afternoon. After the doc, I’m planning to go to Starbucks. To spend my afternoon in the sun (well the little bit we got today).
Family
I’m just discussing family stuff with a friend. We discovered that it’s not easy if you’re the oldest kid in the family.
I got 2 younger sisters (well half sisters – different father). And I always had a tough way to go. My mum preferred my sisters. One is engaged to the priests son, the other one is engaged to a young man, working in his own company. And what do I got? I made an apprenticeship I never wanted to do. Working hard to get this apprenticeship I really want next year. But does my mum appreciate it? No! She’s always moaning at me. I should give her grandsons and granddaughters.
So much pressure. And it’s getting bigger and bigger. With every year, every birthday (which she didn’t notice this year, bcs we weren’t talking). Well I told her, that it’s my life I’m living now. And I’m living it my way!
